I have been away for a while. Not on vacation or anything nice like that, just away. I have neglected so many personal goals for myself. Sure I can do the human thing to do and blame being too busy, too tired, or just forgetful…but at the end of the day the only person to blame for the things I have not accomplished is the person holding me back, myself.
Lately I have just felt so disconnected. I feel like it is easier to smile and tell the world that everything is okay, when really you feel like you are falling apart inside and you do not understand why. Then there is the guilt. How can I complain about whatever issues I am dealing with, when there is someone else out there with a worse situation? Here is the thing though, you are not the other person. You have to live with yourself, therefore you need to take care of yourself. I am not saying completely disregard the well being of others, but your happiness is also important too.
I have also seen a lot of unfortunate backlash against people on Facebook too. While it can get annoying seeing people post depressing stuff on Facebook, it is also important, as friends to realize there might be more to it than just wanting attention. I have often been tempted to post things I am feeling, then quickly delete what I had to say and move on. For anyone who can relate to this, I can tell you I understand. For those of you who do not see it as anything more than some pathetic post, there is not a whole lot anyone can say to make you understand. Facebook has become THE social networking sight. In a world where technology helps put up walls, it becomes easier to put out a cry for help from behind a computer screen than to deal with the problems face to face. Do not get me wrong, there are plenty of people out there who do post dramatic things for the attention, but if you are good enough friends with the people on your friends list, then you should know if the person is just craving attention or if they really might need help.
I guess a lot of the assignments I have had lately in class, have made me come to a realization that I tend to shut people out. I smile and still have a good time with those around me, but the things I harbor inside go on in silence, eating me up slowly from the inside, until I have moments where I feel like I am about to break. I keep these thoughts silent because I feel like I have no right to feel that way. I have a pretty good life. I have a roof over my head, food in the fridge and I am surrounded by some of the most wonderful family and friends. I think about the things that I am grateful for and I get by another day, but the feelings I hide away keep scratching at the door in the darkness, trying to get out. I end up resenting myself more for feeling this way, because I do not have a bad life.
I keep letting these feelings eat away at me. Then before I know it, I have shut myself off from everyone around me. I only divulge a little bit of information, since they can tell that something is wrong. I give them just enough to feed their curiosity, then go on with my business. I stop going to things that make me happy, because I do not feel like I fit in, I stop chatting and texting with people, I just stop, until I feel completely alone.
I do not reveal all this to make anyone feel pity for me, that is the last thing I need. What I need is to kick my butt into gear and get back on track. I reveal this, because out of billions of people in the world, somewhere, someone is feeling the same way. Someone is feeling depressed and they do not understand why, they feel alone. If I can reach at least one person and let them know, you are not the only one. I do not know what I can say or do to help you, but the first step is to realize that you need to take action. At the end of it all, you are the only obstacle to your own happiness. The next step, is to keep surrounding yourself with loving and supportive people. We can try to rebuild our vessels alone, but we can be built stronger with a good support system.
I know that this is easier said than done. Even as I pour these random thoughts out of my head, I still feel hopeless and disconnected.